head full of doubt....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t43VgJ4U9_Q

"When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it"


This song is my favorite, well for the moment or week I guess I should say since my "favorite" song changes every moment.

Anyways on with my blabber.

This song seems to "speak" to me so to say... I have been in a really weird mood lately, I wouldn't say a sad mood, or a happy mood but a DEEP thought mood. I have recently been feeling very anxious to get out of school, not that this has changed since other times, but I actually really enjoy school, It was always the excitement to get out of Fargo that I counted down the days for, and now I'm counting down the days to be done with school. It's weird but I'm really anxious to GROW UP, I've always wanted to be older than I was though, and some people may think that is really weird, especially my friends, who never want to be done with their senior year of college because that brings so much more responsibilities to their plate, however I'm really excited for it. I guess I am excited because it is sort of in a way a new life, a new place in time, a new....me.

I feel like I am lost as can be in my world right now, I have so many dreams and goals for the next five years that I feel like are way to far out of my reach... I set such high standards for myself, yet everything seems to let me down in someways. For instance, my dream job...to be a Nurse, well I couldn't get into a nursing program, due to set standards, I basically was told I was too dumb to get into a nursing program. While working with nurses for the last three years I have NO idea how the majority of them are nurses, common sense is not there nor is the skill to communicate with others or basic knowledge of how to take care of someone, this upsets me because my passion to help people is immensely astronomical.

There for psychology was the next best step to helping people. By no means am I saying psychology was a dumb choice but it was "settling" for the next best option. However, this could potentially be my best choice someday in the future, there are so many options and routes I could take with a psychology degree...well after I go to grad school. For instance my new goal or dream is to open my own clinic that deals with Brain injuries, Alzheimer's as well as counseling for cancer victims. With that being said, I wish to become a Neuropsychologist... long way to go, but hey I'm hopeful and determined to make this happen.

I have some major plans or ideas in my head for when I move back home in December. I have filled out about 10 different applications to volunteer at different hospitals dealing with battered women and children, domestic abuse, assistance to families at Children's hospital, as well as basic assistance to families and patients in hospitals in general. I have this urge or desire to help people lately, to make a difference in their life even if it is a simple thing such as reading a little kid a book, or helping people with their grocery list while they have family in the hospital. I just want to Help so that is why I signed up for all these volunteer things, I think it would be so much fun and such a rewarding experience.

I think one of my residents has a major influence on my choice to do these volunteering things, my favorite resident at work has Alzheimer's she is what is considered "late stage" which is the most advanced level of Alzheimer's meaning she has no control of any type of body function, cannot walk, has to be fed, dressed, cleaned, pushed around daily in a wheel chair, and worst of all doesn't remember her family... don't put pitty on her though, I doubt she would want it if you met her. She is a spitfire, and the loveliest lady I have ever met. Although she cannot make full sentences or even have the knowledge to understand what she is saying to most people, she communicates with me. I left my job for four months, when I came back she saw me and got the biggest smile on her face and said the best thing I have ever heard "Kayla" simple one word, my name. How is it that a woman with the most advanced level of Alzheimer's remembers my name, and continue to say my name every time she sees me? This touched my heart, it will always be the GREATEST memory of my life. We talk and we laugh together and she tells me she "loves" me daily, "I just love you Kayla" but yet if anyone else is to talk to her, she doesn't respond. That lady is the reason I want to help make a difference in peoples lives, if one woman who barely remembers her daughters can remember mine, I know I have done something AMAZING for that woman and I LOVE it! With that being said, I know I have the potential to give that same experience to someone else as well, and I hope to do so.

My marathon is in 5 days, I couldn't be more nervous for something in my entire life, I don't know why but I keep having restless nights over this stupid marathon. My goal is to finish in under 4.5 hours, yet it seems odd to me that anyone would want to run for 4.5 hours. I must be crazy or senile because I think driving 3 hours to Fargo sucks, why on earth would I want to run for 4.5. Well my answer is quite simple actually, it's a mind game... and I plan on defeating the mind, I know I can do it, and I know I will finish it, but I am scared I won't finish it in under 4.5 hours and that stinks because I don't want to be last. UGH! And by no means am I going to want to go out there and sprint this thing, did that for the first 5 miles of my half last year...I learned my lesson. But I also don't want to be the loser at the end... so here I am freaking out about it...

This is all for today, hope everyone has a great day!!


Kayla

Happy Mid-Terms Week

Well, I have officially entered Mid-Term week...which means I have survived 8 weeks of the semester so far, only 8 more weeks to go, hopefully I survive that too! With that being said only 39 more class days or something like that, I don't have my count down by me ;)

It has flown by super fast though thinking about it, and I know the next 8 weeks will fly...my break down is pretty sweet sounding anyways... tomorrow is hump day so this week is practically over.

Week 7: 10.18-10.24 is my week before my marathon ( the 23rd) So that will pass by fast.
Week 6: 10.25-11.01 is a sucky week with two tests, but I plan on going home for that weekend!
Week 5: 11.08-11.14: two more tests, but with the 11th off!! Woop Woop, then work that weekend.
Week 4: 11.15-11.21: two tests, two huge writing assignments due. YUCK! Home that weekend for SURE then.
Week 3: 11.22-11.28: Test Monday, back home Tuesday after classes for THANKSGIVING WEEK! however...I have to work that Thursday night, and weekend...so back up to Fargo :(
Week 2: 11.29-12.05: Nothing too bad!!! Just a few labs.
Week 1: 12.06-12-12 Dead week, which is basically a study week so I don't count that week or days at all because there aren't classes for me! :)
Week 0: 12.13-12.17: Finals....UGHHHHHH!

But I can do it, I have to keep thinking like the "little engine that COULD": I can just hear my mom now: "I think I can I think I can I think I can"

Well now that you all have my agenda, mark it on your calenders ;)

This weekend was a absolute BLAST! I don't think I have had fun like that in YEARS and I am serious too! Lot's of laughs, and lots of fun people. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend, just wish it could be like that every day.

I took some of Alex's senior pictures.... Good thing I had Maria with me to help make him actually smile and not have one of those "okay this is really dumb" expression on his face.
We tried to get Mauer and McGuire in pictures too, Lets just say...with them both in pictures with Alex was a huge failure, McGuire does NOT cooperate (so un-coach-able) [hey Kinda like ME]. Then there is Mauer, who I have to say is probably the funniest dog around. When dad says I don't like Mauer because we are too much alike is probably right....hmm.. Anyways talk about such a photogenic dog, he was just LOVING it, I will post some pictures so you can see what I mean. But it was super fun, who know's how pleased mom was with the pictures though!

this first one is one of my favorites of Alex, then the ones with the dogs crack me up!



10.13.10 is my dear best friend Ali's 22nd birthday!!! So Happy Birthday to you Ali!! :)


Well that is all for tonight! It's starting to get chilly here again and of course the wind is blowing 100 mph. Cant wait to get out of this place. I must say though it will be weird living back at home, I mean I'll be forced to drink milk at dinner, and eat what my mom makes not have a bowl of cereal. ha ha I am not complaining though...well about the milk I am.

Have a good Wednesday everyone!!


kayla

opps 20 days too long

It has been twenty two days since I have blogged... wonder why, maybe it is because school is murdering me slowly. I don't think I could have been given a harder semester for my final one...way to plan that one out on my part.


I also have been VERY busy training for my marathon, I run two and a half hours normally everyday after class.. so basically I don't get back to my place until around 7pm, where the rest of the night consists of doing homework, reading, and/or watching my nightly shows... (dancing with the stars on monday, One tree hill on tuesdays, nothing on Wednesdays, Greys and Private practice on Thursdays).
I started work a couple weeks ago, such a great feeling to be back at such an awesome place to work at. Unfortunately one of my FAVORITE residents passed away about a month before I came back, on the flip side my other FAVORITE resident remembered my name right when she saw me and choked me with the biggest hug. Such a precious moment and will always remain as a special memory of mine. It's amazing to think that someone with the most advanced level of Alzheimer's Disease and not see me for over three months remembered me. She will always remain in my heart!

I wrote Alex an 'Ad for Grad' last week, for those of you who don't know what it is, basically it is a little 'love' note that is placed in the yearbook and the seniors read them when they get their year books on the last week of high school. Anyways, there is a limit of words that can be placed in this ad, which is 60 words...how am I suppose to come up with something in 60 words, I probably could fill a whole notebook on memories, funny inside jokes, funny memories, and what not in a notebook, then I could probably fill another notebook with my rules and advice of college for him...ha!

On Thursday I am taking senior pictures for Alex and can hardly wait, I have some great scenic places in mind that will be very pretty so I am looking forward to that, and Maria is hopefully coming with so we will get Alex to laugh that's for sure! Also Maria and I plan on dressing up Mauer again, however this time he is going to be wearing something a lot more girly than the last time HAHA, pictures will be posted later!!

I am coming home tomorrow and I am SUPER EXCITED! I haven't been home in two weeks so it will be very nice to get home, however I really won't be home. Thursday night I will be down at St. Thomas with my girl Ali, then Friday-Sunday I will be down at Mankato for their homecoming visiting old friends so that will be very fun! :)

That's all for now... probably be back next week with some good stories!!

Have a good rest of your week and weekend!!

kayla