http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t43VgJ4U9_Q
"When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it"
This song is my favorite, well for the moment or week I guess I should say since my "favorite" song changes every moment.
Anyways on with my blabber.
This song seems to "speak" to me so to say... I have been in a really weird mood lately, I wouldn't say a sad mood, or a happy mood but a DEEP thought mood. I have recently been feeling very anxious to get out of school, not that this has changed since other times, but I actually really enjoy school, It was always the excitement to get out of Fargo that I counted down the days for, and now I'm counting down the days to be done with school. It's weird but I'm really anxious to GROW UP, I've always wanted to be older than I was though, and some people may think that is really weird, especially my friends, who never want to be done with their senior year of college because that brings so much more responsibilities to their plate, however I'm really excited for it. I guess I am excited because it is sort of in a way a new life, a new place in time, a new....me.
I feel like I am lost as can be in my world right now, I have so many dreams and goals for the next five years that I feel like are way to far out of my reach... I set such high standards for myself, yet everything seems to let me down in someways. For instance, my dream job...to be a Nurse, well I couldn't get into a nursing program, due to set standards, I basically was told I was too dumb to get into a nursing program. While working with nurses for the last three years I have NO idea how the majority of them are nurses, common sense is not there nor is the skill to communicate with others or basic knowledge of how to take care of someone, this upsets me because my passion to help people is immensely astronomical.
There for psychology was the next best step to helping people. By no means am I saying psychology was a dumb choice but it was "settling" for the next best option. However, this could potentially be my best choice someday in the future, there are so many options and routes I could take with a psychology degree...well after I go to grad school. For instance my new goal or dream is to open my own clinic that deals with Brain injuries, Alzheimer's as well as counseling for cancer victims. With that being said, I wish to become a Neuropsychologist... long way to go, but hey I'm hopeful and determined to make this happen.
I have some major plans or ideas in my head for when I move back home in December. I have filled out about 10 different applications to volunteer at different hospitals dealing with battered women and children, domestic abuse, assistance to families at Children's hospital, as well as basic assistance to families and patients in hospitals in general. I have this urge or desire to help people lately, to make a difference in their life even if it is a simple thing such as reading a little kid a book, or helping people with their grocery list while they have family in the hospital. I just want to Help so that is why I signed up for all these volunteer things, I think it would be so much fun and such a rewarding experience.
I think one of my residents has a major influence on my choice to do these volunteering things, my favorite resident at work has Alzheimer's she is what is considered "late stage" which is the most advanced level of Alzheimer's meaning she has no control of any type of body function, cannot walk, has to be fed, dressed, cleaned, pushed around daily in a wheel chair, and worst of all doesn't remember her family... don't put pitty on her though, I doubt she would want it if you met her. She is a spitfire, and the loveliest lady I have ever met. Although she cannot make full sentences or even have the knowledge to understand what she is saying to most people, she communicates with me. I left my job for four months, when I came back she saw me and got the biggest smile on her face and said the best thing I have ever heard "Kayla" simple one word, my name. How is it that a woman with the most advanced level of Alzheimer's remembers my name, and continue to say my name every time she sees me? This touched my heart, it will always be the GREATEST memory of my life. We talk and we laugh together and she tells me she "loves" me daily, "I just love you Kayla" but yet if anyone else is to talk to her, she doesn't respond. That lady is the reason I want to help make a difference in peoples lives, if one woman who barely remembers her daughters can remember mine, I know I have done something AMAZING for that woman and I LOVE it! With that being said, I know I have the potential to give that same experience to someone else as well, and I hope to do so.
My marathon is in 5 days, I couldn't be more nervous for something in my entire life, I don't know why but I keep having restless nights over this stupid marathon. My goal is to finish in under 4.5 hours, yet it seems odd to me that anyone would want to run for 4.5 hours. I must be crazy or senile because I think driving 3 hours to Fargo sucks, why on earth would I want to run for 4.5. Well my answer is quite simple actually, it's a mind game... and I plan on defeating the mind, I know I can do it, and I know I will finish it, but I am scared I won't finish it in under 4.5 hours and that stinks because I don't want to be last. UGH! And by no means am I going to want to go out there and sprint this thing, did that for the first 5 miles of my half last year...I learned my lesson. But I also don't want to be the loser at the end... so here I am freaking out about it...
This is all for today, hope everyone has a great day!!
Kayla
